How I'd Like to Die
Alright so it's a bit of a maudlin title but death is something that lives with us all our lives. A taboo subject worth talking about, it seems to have been all around me recently. Constant reminders of wars ending lives on the news, or multiple pile ups and recently the thought that a health improving marathon may result in your demise has bought the subject to the forefront of my mind. Perhaps those factors, perhaps the friends I saw today headed to a funeral dressed in black, perhaps encroaching age. Whatever, today I have death on the brain and am thus persuaded to write down this thought about my own bit of mortal coil shuffling.
It's a thought that I've had for quite a while now, a plan for my own funeral, one that I've been finessing, and this may seem odd, since around the time I first saw the inside of a barreling wave many years ago. It's quite simple and goes like this:
It's six to eight foot with a light offshore breeze at my local break. It's a sunny day and the slow blue lines of a long period swell are easing into the bay. Although there's a solid A frame peak in the middle of the beach, there's no one in, even though friends and family are barbequing on the beach. Paying my respects to all while changing, I paddle out to the peak and wait for a decent one.
Everyone's watching as I drop down the face and line up under a heaving lip. As the lip falls, from the beach I disappear from view for a few seconds. Inside the tube I spontaneously combust, flashing immediately into ashes which are then spat out by the collapsing tube a millisecond later. Seen from the beach, just the board comes flying out of the tube trailing a leash. Bam! Death, Cremation, Ashes scattered, Done. A quick and clean demise at a high point, one where I may be 'so happy I could die'. They say you should die in your boots, doing what you love, so what better place to go, deep in the tube, what better departure lounge?
And that's it, some great people, a decent wave, a deep tube, goodbye.
There are benefits to those left behind with this particular way. A free and energy saving natural cremation, it saves on materials since no coffin or urn is needed. Similarly no overly expensive state funeral is necessary, plus there's the re-useable board too, so it's both cheap and eco-friendly.
Initially I think this scenario had more to do with getting people to verify that at some point in my surfing career I did actually get inside a decent tube, than exploring my preferred method of 'buying the farm'.
I realise that there are certain flaws in this self-arranged plan. Not least is the 'spontaneous combustion' bit. Even more unlikely is the 'six foot / no-one out' bit. And then there's the thorny issue that in this version, I don't actually make it out of the tube. Some schools of thought say you can't claim a barrel if you don't make it out, certainly ASP judges score unmade barrels and other incomplete manoeuvres in the low range.
Perhaps having my last hurrah deemed 'not a barrel' would be (posthumously) worse than dying in front of my mates. But, dear reader, I have thought further, (and may I take this opportunity to say well done for having read this far). Consider if I do exit the barrel, and then combust. The barrel is fully claimable and verifiable by all present but, the spontaneous display might be a bit graphic, a bit too 'post-nine o'clock watershed' for the smaller and indeed the more squeamish ones on the beach. The burning heat or debris may even endanger other surfers paddling out to ride the perfect waves and so I have moved my final act back, out of view, inside the tube. For health and safety reasons, you understand.
This way, in the minds of all present, I will remain in the tube for all eternity, and as a surfer, that's no bad thing. Unlikely, impossible, ridiculous even, I hear you say, but hey, it's my funeral.
It's a thought that I've had for quite a while now, a plan for my own funeral, one that I've been finessing, and this may seem odd, since around the time I first saw the inside of a barreling wave many years ago. It's quite simple and goes like this:
It's six to eight foot with a light offshore breeze at my local break. It's a sunny day and the slow blue lines of a long period swell are easing into the bay. Although there's a solid A frame peak in the middle of the beach, there's no one in, even though friends and family are barbequing on the beach. Paying my respects to all while changing, I paddle out to the peak and wait for a decent one.
Everyone's watching as I drop down the face and line up under a heaving lip. As the lip falls, from the beach I disappear from view for a few seconds. Inside the tube I spontaneously combust, flashing immediately into ashes which are then spat out by the collapsing tube a millisecond later. Seen from the beach, just the board comes flying out of the tube trailing a leash. Bam! Death, Cremation, Ashes scattered, Done. A quick and clean demise at a high point, one where I may be 'so happy I could die'. They say you should die in your boots, doing what you love, so what better place to go, deep in the tube, what better departure lounge?
And that's it, some great people, a decent wave, a deep tube, goodbye.
There are benefits to those left behind with this particular way. A free and energy saving natural cremation, it saves on materials since no coffin or urn is needed. Similarly no overly expensive state funeral is necessary, plus there's the re-useable board too, so it's both cheap and eco-friendly.
Initially I think this scenario had more to do with getting people to verify that at some point in my surfing career I did actually get inside a decent tube, than exploring my preferred method of 'buying the farm'.
I realise that there are certain flaws in this self-arranged plan. Not least is the 'spontaneous combustion' bit. Even more unlikely is the 'six foot / no-one out' bit. And then there's the thorny issue that in this version, I don't actually make it out of the tube. Some schools of thought say you can't claim a barrel if you don't make it out, certainly ASP judges score unmade barrels and other incomplete manoeuvres in the low range.
Perhaps having my last hurrah deemed 'not a barrel' would be (posthumously) worse than dying in front of my mates. But, dear reader, I have thought further, (and may I take this opportunity to say well done for having read this far). Consider if I do exit the barrel, and then combust. The barrel is fully claimable and verifiable by all present but, the spontaneous display might be a bit graphic, a bit too 'post-nine o'clock watershed' for the smaller and indeed the more squeamish ones on the beach. The burning heat or debris may even endanger other surfers paddling out to ride the perfect waves and so I have moved my final act back, out of view, inside the tube. For health and safety reasons, you understand.
This way, in the minds of all present, I will remain in the tube for all eternity, and as a surfer, that's no bad thing. Unlikely, impossible, ridiculous even, I hear you say, but hey, it's my funeral.
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| The Eternal Sunshine of the Spontaneous Mind |
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